Honest Polygamous: How to share, care and say the Lord’s prayer

By Dr. Penny Dime.

Howdy! I see you’ve decided to hop on the polyamorous wagon and keep a tight rein on your many lovers. Stupendous, as long as those lovely sister wives or brother husbands consent!

First things first, fellow lover, we humans are far from monogamous. We crave many a lover at once, often striving to quench this everlasting, sensual thirst. Along the way, one may come across lovers of all sorts, which strengthens our libidos rather than repressing it. Keep in mind, certain lovers are off limits, though that’s for another time and place!

Not to sound too absurdist, but at the core of humanity’s heart lies a banshee. This banshee, whom we shall call Judy, screams eternally. How someone hears this shriek, however, determines one’s affinity for love. Some may hear Judy say, “Little lover, swaddled in bonhomie. Go forth on this odyssey and tell me what you see. Monogamy is thy word, my songbird.” Others have claimed to hear, “Polygamist! Begone, lest I call the nutritionist!”

OK, maybe Judy isn’t an expert in love, but she makes a good point! I just hope she doesn’t call the nutritionist…

Sharing is caring, is it not? This is one of my favorite socialist doctrines, said ever so eloquently by Mrs. Karl Marx herself. Let us not forget this, patrons of amour! If you indeed have many a lover, then those whom you love should love as well! This is where I begin to criticize Mormons, so bear with me, or close your eyes, whichever works. How does a man really think he can have as many wives as he wishes and not let any of them love others or even each other? Hmm, sounds like someone didn’t share his toys with others when he was little!

I say, if sister wives and brother husbands are here, they might as well be queer! All of these members of the same gender or sex living under one roof and making love only to one average-looking man? Yikes! Straight people are wild.

Love is love, my friends. Do not use it to exploit others, though. Please. I beg of thee.

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